On little disappointments like the Super Bowl

Hi, Sweetheart.

I just got a bunch of pictures put in albums while watching only little bits of the Super Bowl, though this won't get posted till I sent it from my phone to my e-mail and then paste it in here the next day  I really didn't care for this game since the Packers lost, but if the Seahawks had won at least I could have said they were a team of destiny. Yet the game I planned to watch,  Len Barker's perfect game,  I'd never seen and I couldn't pull myself away to just listen and glance up from time to time to watch;  it was too interesting. Ironic since I knew the outcome. (PS: I have it on now. :-) )

But, I got that done and got to bed early now so I can get up bright and early and maybe shovel snow or whatever comes with our confused weather. 

I won't ask about sports in Heaven,  I know you'd just say it's a surprise.  But, it made me think of all those little disappointments you don't have to go through up there.  Teams losing you so wanted to win, times rain ruined plans, and so on. I've said I'm glad you didn't have to see how evil this world is, much worse than when I grew up, but when the only part of something one calls "evil" is the innocent fun of a dynasty that keeps winning,  that's where you can learn to rely on the fact God is still in control and many other good things can happen. Yet, you can learn that in a safe way without having to suffer, when you follow sports. Sure, it's a disappointment the Packers didn't make it, but that's okay.

I so wanted to be your Daddy  down here and help you through all that . I prayed hard, as I've said, but you are there instead, and I know we'll meet someday. It's one of those sadder parts of life, much more than a game. But, sports can help prepare us for the worse things, and yet help us remember there will be another game,  another season. Maybe with different players but with the chance again to see success. For some, it's realizing it could be worse. It's possible someone reading this didn't just have what I did - a heartfelt desire to adopt and end up led by the Lord to dedicate that little to serving like Hannah did Samuel, leaving him to be raised in the temple, showing me that your life ended before I had the chance to adopt you. It's possible a reader has lost a child they knew or had a miscarriage.  I can't imagine that kind of pain, and hope they know you and their little one are probably good friends up there, laughing and playing together so happily. 

Anyway, as I was saying, some just look at the bright side, others remind themselves it could be worse. Some focus instead in what baseballists 150 years ago called the "patience of hope," that good will come next time, even if that takes a while to come. Any of these make it easy for me to keep going till that day God says it's over and you ride with the angels to come take me home to see my Saviour and yours, Jesus Christ.

It's His if s death on the cross and rising from the dead that makes it possible. When one calls on Jesus to forgive them and save them from their sins,  He comes into that heart He's been invited into and gives the peace that passes understanding,  perfect love, comfort,  joy, so much more, when we trust Him to. I pray others who read this share about Him readily,  or at least visit one of the sties where I volunteer like  Godlife.com or Jesus2020.com where they can learn more and communicate with someone via secure email. 

And, I trust that while you don't worry or have disappointment in Heaven, you understand what I'm saying,  at least. Life can be hard on this world at times, mostly due to those big problems and not the little ones like a lost game. Some of those little problems - constant rising in property taxes and other things, thigns wearing out like I've had, etc. - can seem big if we take our minds off God and His care for us. However, God is good all the time, and will help us through anything when we trust Him.

He's the Creator of the universe, after all. And, it's so exciting to know that if you couldn't be born for me to adopt, at least you have the best seat possible to watch us go through evrrythung, and I'm sure laugh at some of the things we do, like.focus so much on sports instead of just having fun with them.

Till we meet,
Love, Daddy

thanks fro the snow - little reminders

Sweetheart,

Was that you knocking some snow off the roof?

It ws so neat. I was waiting for the dog to come in from out back so I could go watch the Packer game with some friends, and with my photographic memory, something clicked and made me think of one of those little things I'd daydream about, you stubbornly wanting to march off into the snow without a coat on, then me kneeling down with open arms waiting for you to come running back in, gently whispering about how I let you do that so you'd learn and listen when I told you "no" on bigger things.

And just then, some snow fell off jsut one little bit of the awning - right in the middle. It hadn't been disturbed by anything, and no other snow fell. It's like an angel - or maybe you :-) - did just enough to remind me,you were up there waiting, that while I may not know you here on Earth, God has answered my prayer and i now have a little one - maybe a big one, I don't know and i know you'll say "It's a surprise" - waiting for me when my time here is done.

I see so many problems and I can understand why He knew best about giving me a child who never made it to my arms. Just like that image I had of letting you march out into the snow a few feet like I know little kids will do at times. God knows what's best, and He knows this is a fallen world, heading for disaster with all the sin in it. ANd, couple that with how it's hard for me to read others' intentions sometimes, while I know you'd have grown into a wonderful, loving young person who would help me, and I have a great family and freinds, maybe it was jsut a bit too hard for me.

Or, more likely, God had you all ready for me to take home and to love and sahre His grace and mercy with, and He simply chose not to intervene in the affairs of man because He doesn't want us to be mindless robots and He doesn't want to defy physics all the time.

this fallen world is filled with sin, but Go didn't make it that way. He made it perfect, without sin, but gave us free will, nd we chose to turn from Him. We all say, think, and do things which displease God, and that sin is what seperates us from His perfect heaven, where there is no pain, no suffering, no tears, no sin, no death. That wonderful place where you are.

And, each of us here on earth is only a single, sincere prayer of repentence away from eternal life. that prayer to Jesus is as easy as ABC - Admit you're a sinner and fall short of God's perfection, Believe Jesus Christ, God in flesh, died to take your punishment and rose from the dead, and Choose to Call on Jesus; Call on Him to save you from your sins, to forgive yu and come into your heart and make you new inside.

I have had the joy of leading people to Christ. Maybe someone reading this blog will pray that sinner's prayer, in their own words trusting Jesus Christ by faith to save them. I pray that they do.

The beauty is that kids below the age of accountability go to heaven anyway, because it is not by works but by grace we are saved; it is all becasue of His blood that was shed for us.

So, while I never got to share that love with you here on earth, I know God has you up therre with so much joy and fun and laughter and celebration, just as we'll celebrate one day.

And, I know that you love me, too. And, somehow, a small remidner came to me today. it was one of those times that the timing was so perfect it had to be God at work.

But, I always know you're there. It just helped me to remember that and focus ont he task at hand, reaching others with that wonderful Gospel message. Becaue I know my Redeemer lives. And, one say I shall see Him face to face. And see you.

I don't know if we'll have snow or anything up there - I'm not sure if we'll have weather, period. but, I know we'll have loads of fun. And, I can still hear, as easily as if you're sitting in my lap before bedtime, you saying, "Shhh, it's a surprise, Daddy." because that's how a photographic memory works.

I can't wait for that surprise King Jesus has waiting. And, I'm so glad you can be a part of it. If I don't post any more, you'll know I still care. But, if i do think about it, who knows. Maybe there'll be another little reminder; or maybe that will remain with me now as one. Helping me know you are up there waiting and I don't have to worry about awaiting one down here, though if the Lord opens the door I will adopt. But, i have a precious angel - actually, tehnicappy a precious little saint :-) - waiting to welcome me home.

Till we meet.

Love, Daddy.

Must have been quite a show up there

Hi, sweetheart.

Do you talk to angels? I'm just thinking of how one angel told John in Revelation he was John's fellow servant, and they talked to him because God had them delivering a special message; and, of course, Jesus Himself did, too. Same with when they spoke to others.

And, I'm just wondering, do we hang out with and talk to them when we get there?

Yeah, I know, I can so easily imagine you saying, "It's a surprise, Daddy." Just like I'd have to tell you if you'd been born and were bugging me for info about Christmas presents.

It must have been so amazing that first Christmas. Well, actually, it would have been 9 months before when God the Son, eternally God Himself, the 2nd person of the Godhead, stepped down into time and became flesh, when the Spirit overshadowed Mary like when a shadow comes over someone.

Then, of course, the angels became part of a plan to show a joyous celebration that must have been so amazing. Just think - normally it's just one angel appearing, or two, but then an angelic chorus was there in the fields. What an amazing cause to celebrate, the fact God had begun that plan to reconcile us to Himself through the cross.

Of course, you'd have always gone to Heaven because you died before you had a chance to enjoy life, before I could adopt you; just as any child does who dies before the age of accountability. But, because of that wonderful gift, and since I've trusted Jesus Christ to save me from my sins through what He did on the cross, taking the punishment for my sins, I know I'm going to Heaven. And, I'll have the greatest gift I can imagine - you. Even if I couldn't know you here on Earth, you've got the best sitter there is, and I know one day we'll be able to celebrate together.

Adoption really is special - the child comes from the parents' heart then, or is supposed to. And, that's the way God sees us.

When you think about it, God blessed the Jewish people, out of whom Messiah came, because it made sense to have an organized plan to show where Messiah would come from. But, He also adopted all of us - the Jews because he chose them, us Gentiles because we have been grafted in as His people.

We are forever on God's heart. We can celebrate Jesus so much because He not only died for our sins, He rose from the dead and is now in Heaven, forever interceding for us preparing a place for us, and many other things. Like watching over my little darling up there. :-)

I know, you know all this, but I think about how nice it would have been to celebrate and share this stuff with you here, and I thought I'd write a post that shares that now, anyway. Because you are very special to God and to me, more special than you can imagine. Biology doesn't count for everything - what matters is that we are in that person's heart. Just like we are in God's heart, and each of us is only a single, sincere prayer of repentance to Jesus Christ away from everlasting life.

I'm so glad to have that chance. I'm so glad the Lord led me to trust Him to be able to adopt despite my financial struggles and handicaps. And, he rewarded that faith. Maybe we're not together this Christmas. But one day, we will have forever together. And for now, I'll celebrate with family and friends, and enjoy knowing the Lord is watching out for us. Because this isn't just a celebration of family and good times. It's the birthday of the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. For unto us is born this day, in the City of David, a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

enjoy the fun up there, Sweetheart. Till we meet.

Love,
Daddy

At least I'd be old enough to be a grandpa now

Hi, Sweetheart.

The last nice day before a very cold stretch, and I was thinking about the fact i don't have any clients today and can enjoy it outside so much. And, I was thinking about how neat it was when my grandpa retired and how I pondered what it was like to be totally free of school or work. I ws 9 then, or maybe just about to turn 9. And, i always cherished those summers and weekends when I could just play outisde all the time.

Of course, most likely you'd be in school but I was thinking, too - remember when i said earlier in my first post or 2 about pretending in my mind? I would actually pretend at tiems that you were a teenager and then an adult - I cried when I pretended to leave you at college for the first time because as I was acting it out in my mind it was so real. Yeah, that's that Asperger's, or at the least PDD-NOS, I was telling you about - I am an extreme visual thinker. It's probably why quite a few performers may be on the spectrum - I hear Jerry Seinfeld says he is and he does a lot for autism awareness.

Sorry for that ramble, but anyway, i was thinking, too, I could be a grandpa by now. In fact, my mom mentioned that back in '07 since my good friend's sister had a girl who was born in '87 and her mom had her at maybe 18 or so. Indeed, 2 years ago at my reunion there were a couple classmates who were grandparents.

That helped me, too, with thinking about it (and with my pretending :-). I don't really feel the need to pretend anymore because I do imagine my imaginary kid(s) are graduated and out on the mission field now, so it's very easy to tell myself, "It doesn't matter if you don't have a kid because if you'd had one they'd be all grown up by now." And, maybe that's why that pretending didn't fulfill me like it did, why I pleaded so hard with the Lord to give me a child. And, why He connected me with you.

Anyhow, all that is to say this. I do still think about you, and I'm so glad you can enjoy yourself up there free from all the problems of this world. (And with much better weather, too. :-) I'm anxious to see what that's like. But, I know you'll just say "It's a surprise" so I won't ask. :-)

It's so fun to celebrate God's great creation here, too, though. And, though we can't slosh through the leaves and rake them into big piles and jump in them and stuff like that together, and wouldn't anyway since you would likely be in school or off and married by now, I feel great knowing you cn celebrate God's mighty creation from the other side, and I don't feel bad because I know that you are enjoying it so much up there, and so happy, just as I'd hope you would be if you were living here. And, I have so much to be thankful for, especially because I know the Lord Jesus Christ, I've made it personal, I have heart knowledge, not just head knowledge, of my Saviour and one day I will see Him face to face. It will be such a thrill. And, the great thing is, you've had that experience already, being so young when your physical life ended. It will be so wonderful to someday celebrate Christ's love forever together.

Till we meet,

Love,
Daddy

Forever Friendships

The nice thing about being in Heaven is, I'm sure you've met so many great friends you know will last forever. I remember on church visitation 10-12 years ago there were some young teen girls out riding their bikes and one of them whom we were visiting had just gotten saved, but one of the two friends hadn't. We led her to Christ & my visitation partner said, "Now you'll really be friends forever."

It's harder here on earth. As I've said, I have a bit of Asperger's, or at least PDD-NOS, and I go from not being able to read between lines to getting so worried because some things I read are just like what happens with kids who are adopted out of very rough homes. I'm sorry to say I don't know how much help I could have given as you navigated that friendship stuff.

Okay, I'm being too hard on myself. We'd have talked and I'd have discussed how we're supposed to be nice, loving, caring, etc. all the time. One friend who talked about some mean stuff becuase of what his cousins went through scared me at times, because he didn't talk about gentleness, self-control, etc., and even seemed to mock me for doing so. That kind of stuff, I couldn't have helped you with.

Or, maybe I would have. He's a wonderful, Godly man now and improved so much in his 20s. It's a testimony to how God works. I'm sure he was so traumatized by just seeing what his cousisn went through. But, I didn't know how to read between the lines back then to know that's why he talked like he did, and also didn't know how to ask.

Then there was another one who was really nice, came from a really good family, yet changed when he went to college. And, not right away, either - if he had that might have made sense, though he wasn't the kind to fall for peer pressure. I totally bungled that, I was so clumsy. Now, i think something traumatized him that my mom said not to mention to him so I didn't. But, I would have told you it's soemtimes good to get people to talk about their feelings, but I would hope you could read those nonverbal things better.

BUt, your Daddy isn't that bad. By the time I'd have adopted you, I got to wear I could tell people easily I was having trouble reading nonverbal cues or that I needed to have thigns explained to me a bit more. I would say how I'd say things like, "I'm guessing that this attitude is because of 'x' or maybe 'y?'" Things like that. You'd have possibly heard me saying, "Hearing that is kind of traumatic because of what I'm picturing," since I have a very photographic thought process.

Of course, I imagine you'd have had no handicap like that, but I think you'd easily learn not to take advantage of such things because you'd see it just like my visual and hearing handicaps. I have special needs, and one of those needs is friends who just stay away from a couple things, like really raunchy stuff, lots of really bad cursing, etc. - such stuff scares me and reminds me of some trauma from Junior High that I need to be away from so I don't have flashbacks.

But - and this is something I would have been able to teach you easily - true friends are the ones who love and care for others and accept when something is traumatizing someone and they don't do it. It's just like I tried to do for these 2 friends I mentioned. I did it very clumsily, then went way overboard trying to help, but that's just my somewhat awkward social skills as I try to make up for that handicap.

I heard of a woman in our church - you may have met her by now :-) - who was an alcoholic. She got saved out of that and God wonderfully changed her and she never drank again the last 44 years of her life. However, she struggled, unlike her friends. She never again went into a restaurant with a bar in it, because she knew she could be tempted to start drinking again. Her friends loved her - they never went to one either if they were together, but when by themselves of coruse they could. They just cared for this woman. But, they also obeyed God's command in 1 Corinthians 8 where it says don't tempt a weaker brother or sister in Christ. But, they'd have been kind and considerate like that no matter what.

I have many friends like that when it comes to the little things that can torment me. They stay away from it - but really, they're not vulgar or raunchy ever, not just around me.

That's the kind of loving friend I know you'd have become down here on Earth. I know I'd have been so proud of you. That's one of those little thigns I don't get to enjoy, but my family members and their kids are like that. I can be proud of them. But, ultimately, I praise God for such love. And, I'm glad you experience that love up there in Heaven.

Till we meet.

Love,
Daddy

On being Christlike, telling others, problems with this world

Hi, Sweetheart.

Yes, it’s Daddy again. Your silly Daddy has just been thinking about you, I’m so thankful the Lord has given me peace about you, because you’re up there safe from any problems.

You don’t need to hear about the evils that have been in the news lately. There’s so many good people, and one would think in sports one could avoid all the evils that I avoid by not watching the news otherwise and getting my info on some Christian message boards. The images are just so gruesome. If it wasn’t for sports I couldn’t have cable TV, and only get maybe 15 channels as it is.

I hear more and more people talk about possible persecution here, though, and I’ll be honest, I worry about being able to homeschool you if you were around; of coruse, I felt I’d have had to a decade ago when I thought about it a bit before I went and got my Masters in ministry. Adoption was possible then, but I was just so concerned because of all the problems people said might come, and the anti-Christian eveil the devil is spreading.

But, again, there are som many nice people, and I will make myself get off of worries about the eviel ones. I know it’s likely you wouldn’t have been hurt had you been born and I adopted you. But, this just shows how concerned I’d have been over you, how protective.

The fruits of the Spirit as love, joy, peace, longsuffering(patience), gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness(power under control)and temperance(self control), against such there is no law.(Gal.5:22-23) The problem is that the people in the news I’ve seenact like they can do whatever they want against these fruits – but that’s what always bugged me before, I thought the world should act like Christians, and there’s a reason they don’t. They’re not filled with the Spirit. Sometiems Christians aren’t controlled by the Spirit, and we need to be, but the point is, the Lord has established that these are things we should be, and we should let Him make us like that to be more like Him. Sure, we each have our individual interests, but He wants us to learn to be Christ-like. That’s why He says “against such there is no law.”

In other words, there is no exception, we must be gentle, patient, etc.; kindness(Eph4:32) and tenderheartedness(same verse) are also crucial.

I’d have tried so hard to be a Godly example. Not all have that background or upbringing I did, but even those who haven’t that I’ve met have become Godly people because of Jesus’ love.

I’d told others – high school friends – about you in a letter, though only that I have faith you’re waiting for me and not about my blogging to you. I recently verbally told some friends as we watched football a few Thursdays ago during the Packer game.

The response was interesting – saying that God had other plans. I think they didn’t really grasp that I was saying I consider myself a father to you now, but that’s okay. My brain focuses in weird ways sometimes, and I was speaking with a much more eternal, spiritual perspective than they were thinking. It also makes sense that they’d say this because it is a proven way to comfort someone, pointing out that God is still there for me and His ways are perfect, even if we don’t understand them.

I wasn’t grieving that night – partly because I have this and have slowed quite a bit in my posting, as you can tell, so I have gotten to that acceptance stage. However, if I had been, it would have been a totally logical thing to say, one that would be expected when comforting one, although one I emply more is remarking that there’s a big hole in one’s heart that Jesus can fill.

He has filled that hole in my heart. It’s a hole I realize I had for years till I stepped out in faith and begged the Lord to give me a child so I could shower on them the same tgreat love I always felt. And, it’s a hole the Lord has filled by allowing me to “know you” in this small way and to be confident that you are up there waiting for me and that He truly did work it out well because I would have struggled, not only financially but because of the fallen state of this world. Too many people who refuse to see the need to let the Lord guide them and to show Christlike love. Because He is not only the Lord of the universe, He is also the gentle Saviour who is always so kind and gentle toward us. Yes, I’d have enforced limits with you in a loving fashion, but just having a daddy who has handicaps like I do would have taught you that. Just like the boys who did so well at the game our youth group went to showing me where the concessions were and how to get back.

There are such nice people out there. And, they come because someone was Christlike toward them and they chose to follow that modelt hey were shown, out of devotion, not because they had to, but because they wanted to.

So, this world has its problems, but we can be sure that that God’s love is there for us. I know that He’d have protected you, and only let you go through what you could handle – my main worry is that it would be more than I could handle. Seriously, though. You don’t have to be concerned about that now. You are celebrating in God’s perfect heaven, where nobody has seen, heard, or even imagined the wonders that await us.

And, until we meet, I will continue to share with others God’s love, so they, too, can join us.

With much love,
Daddy

Just general comments as a milestone nears

Hi, Sweetheart.

This is the first County Fair since the Lord helped me understand that my desire to adopt had been answered, and I felt led to pray as Hannah did dedicating Samuel to you, and that I had a child in Heaven. It’s been months since I became certain of this, so it’s probably the last “milestone” as some might say, but it’s one of those things that really will help my prayer life.

See, thinking of you, as the Lord has helped me, has got me thinking about those friends I care about who don’t know Jesus as Saviour. There aren’t many, but a few I don’t know about, one in particular doesn’t and it’s so sad. He was such a nice guy in grade school and high school, and he changed in college for what I think is the results of being robbed – at least that’s what I blame to give me closure. I missed the signs, as I said I miss a lot of betweent he liens stuff with my developmental delay. A few other little things were his suddenly making these blanket statements that hurt when he wouldn’t do that before, but that, too, might have been from being robbed and his anger at those who did that. The problem is, it had to be something more than just going off to college because it didn’t happen right away. Although, there were little things I realized later might have been signs of his frustration with the nice, kind, consider nature of people he was around. I don’t know, maybe he saw some phoniness or maybe I’m just rambling.

Anyway, I prayed so hard for Bob, but lately it’s not as sharp. But, that feeling comes around when fun stuff like this does, that longing for him to be saved, not for my own benefit or even his but solely for the Lord to be glorified.

I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about you, wondering if you’d get saved, if you understood. I know I’ve talked about that stuff in other posts so won’t here.

But, there is the joy of seeing you enjoy all those animals, ride some of the rides, worry I’m going to pass out if I have to go on the Ferris Wheel with you (I hate heights unless I’m in an airplane).Even the sad or disappointing times there would have been – like if you’d eat too much cotton candy and throw up all over me. Yeah, that stuff happens, and especially with girls it seems sweets are so beloved that once or twice you’d probably eat too much. But, that’s okay, I would have loved seeing you grow and see you earn those great rewards in Heaven as you learn to help people and serve others like I do for the Lord.

I have given up this one video game online that I’d been playing, and I have you to thank as I just imagined you pulling the plug on it or doing other stuff to make it not work. I’m trying hard not to make you an imaginary friend like my stuffed aniamls and like Peanuts and other characters are at times, because you’re real, and I’ve always felt it’s not fair for real people to be imaginary friends, even ones who are in heaven at present. But, it was kind of fun, and I’m sure you were looking down and wondering what your silly daddy was doing.

Well, I guess at times I just don’t know what to write in the various stories and alternate history stuff I’ve done. I have my fics at lulu.com of course, like “If Baseball Integrated Early and the others people can see by checking my profile. I’ve even had a few with kids in it – I can see you growing up to be as helpful as Grace in my “Discovering Grace,” though with a much more functional home since she and her brother are the only Christians in the home. Or maybe you’d be more like Abby, having struggles sharing your faith and not sure how to ask for help at first. Either way, I know I’d love you no matter what. But, the important thing is I’ve had bits and pieces of you in many of my characters, in those writings, in “Never Let Me Go” at iunvierse.com, and even in my fan fiction. (All my books also available on Kindle, the Nook store, etc. – boy, it’s amazing what all there is with technology nowadays.)

So, ina way, while it’s been pretend as I talked about in my first post or two, I’ve shared time with you. Maybe not you specifically, but my imagination does lead me to feel so much like I’m there – but as I said, I wanted more and so I prayed earnestly, and the Lord blessed me with a wonderful child who wasn’t born so I could adopt them, but who is celebrating so much right now that a fun thing like the county fair would be nothing compared to what joy you feel.

But, I find joy down here in everything, too, in my writing and in all the stuff I do otherwise, too. I don’t know what the Lrod’s got planned for me, or how I’m going to keep things up financially sometimes, but I know that I’ve got a special treasure waiting for me that can’t be taken away. And, I’m going to keep serving the Lord and telling others about Him – hard as it is at times with my disabilities – and helping others so Jesus can be glorified, so we can celebrate together all that I did here when I finally get to meet you.

Till that day comes, I will be forever,

Your loving Daddy