Hi, Sweetheart.
This is the first County Fair since the Lord helped me understand that my desire to adopt had been answered, and I felt led to pray as Hannah did dedicating Samuel to you, and that I had a child in Heaven. It’s been months since I became certain of this, so it’s probably the last “milestone” as some might say, but it’s one of those things that really will help my prayer life.
See, thinking of you, as the Lord has helped me, has got me thinking about those friends I care about who don’t know Jesus as Saviour. There aren’t many, but a few I don’t know about, one in particular doesn’t and it’s so sad. He was such a nice guy in grade school and high school, and he changed in college for what I think is the results of being robbed – at least that’s what I blame to give me closure. I missed the signs, as I said I miss a lot of betweent he liens stuff with my developmental delay. A few other little things were his suddenly making these blanket statements that hurt when he wouldn’t do that before, but that, too, might have been from being robbed and his anger at those who did that. The problem is, it had to be something more than just going off to college because it didn’t happen right away. Although, there were little things I realized later might have been signs of his frustration with the nice, kind, consider nature of people he was around. I don’t know, maybe he saw some phoniness or maybe I’m just rambling.
Anyway, I prayed so hard for Bob, but lately it’s not as sharp. But, that feeling comes around when fun stuff like this does, that longing for him to be saved, not for my own benefit or even his but solely for the Lord to be glorified.
I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about you, wondering if you’d get saved, if you understood. I know I’ve talked about that stuff in other posts so won’t here.
But, there is the joy of seeing you enjoy all those animals, ride some of the rides, worry I’m going to pass out if I have to go on the Ferris Wheel with you (I hate heights unless I’m in an airplane).Even the sad or disappointing times there would have been – like if you’d eat too much cotton candy and throw up all over me. Yeah, that stuff happens, and especially with girls it seems sweets are so beloved that once or twice you’d probably eat too much. But, that’s okay, I would have loved seeing you grow and see you earn those great rewards in Heaven as you learn to help people and serve others like I do for the Lord.
I have given up this one video game online that I’d been playing, and I have you to thank as I just imagined you pulling the plug on it or doing other stuff to make it not work. I’m trying hard not to make you an imaginary friend like my stuffed aniamls and like Peanuts and other characters are at times, because you’re real, and I’ve always felt it’s not fair for real people to be imaginary friends, even ones who are in heaven at present. But, it was kind of fun, and I’m sure you were looking down and wondering what your silly daddy was doing.
Well, I guess at times I just don’t know what to write in the various stories and alternate history stuff I’ve done. I have my fics at lulu.com of course, like “If Baseball Integrated Early and the others people can see by checking my profile. I’ve even had a few with kids in it – I can see you growing up to be as helpful as Grace in my “Discovering Grace,” though with a much more functional home since she and her brother are the only Christians in the home. Or maybe you’d be more like Abby, having struggles sharing your faith and not sure how to ask for help at first. Either way, I know I’d love you no matter what. But, the important thing is I’ve had bits and pieces of you in many of my characters, in those writings, in “Never Let Me Go” at iunvierse.com, and even in my fan fiction. (All my books also available on Kindle, the Nook store, etc. – boy, it’s amazing what all there is with technology nowadays.)
So, ina way, while it’s been pretend as I talked about in my first post or two, I’ve shared time with you. Maybe not you specifically, but my imagination does lead me to feel so much like I’m there – but as I said, I wanted more and so I prayed earnestly, and the Lord blessed me with a wonderful child who wasn’t born so I could adopt them, but who is celebrating so much right now that a fun thing like the county fair would be nothing compared to what joy you feel.
But, I find joy down here in everything, too, in my writing and in all the stuff I do otherwise, too. I don’t know what the Lrod’s got planned for me, or how I’m going to keep things up financially sometimes, but I know that I’ve got a special treasure waiting for me that can’t be taken away. And, I’m going to keep serving the Lord and telling others about Him – hard as it is at times with my disabilities – and helping others so Jesus can be glorified, so we can celebrate together all that I did here when I finally get to meet you.
Till that day comes, I will be forever,
Your loving Daddy
Monday, August 25, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
How you might have been when older
Hi, Sweetheart. Well, your Daddy showed today one reason he kind of wished you’d been born so he could adopt you. Yes, not just so you could live in family filled with love, but also so I could be sure of having someone to help me.
It was just one of those moments, Mom convinced me to get a smartphone and go on her plan and it wouldn’t cost me any extra, unlike other e-mails g-mail adds everything in and it blew me away going from maybe 15 contacts to over 80! It confused me till someone helped me get that account off that device over the phone.
In a way, though, you could argue that it was a sign of how it’d be with you as a teen helping me; I’d get a cell phone for you and decide to upgrade myself and do the same ehing, get just as confused, and you’d help me the way Mom did; at least as far as getting someone on the phone who could figure it out. (The way kids can figure that stuff out you’d have done it by yourself, I’m sure. Yeah, I’ll brag on you a bit, why not.)
It’s so confusing and frustrating that tech stuff can’t just stay the same. I still plan to only use this as a phone except for possibly 2-3 other tiems over each month I might do messaging, but Mom’s always had that childlike enthusiasm for learning and new stuff. Combined with a love language that emphasizes giving – I wonder which of the 5 Love Languages you have – it can lead to times like that.
She’s a great mother, though, and would have made a wonderful grandma for you. She’s getting older but still going well, and I’m not really worried about how I’ll get along once my parents die. The way this world is going the Rapture may well happen before that, anyway. I’ve got lots of great friends,a nd just won’t put myself in some of those types of situations anyway. Oh, I won’t stagnate, I’ll keep learning, and walking around the neighborhood, but I may keep the cell phone I have then or even go to featureless. I just have never had the money for a lot of extras.
But, the point is that I got to have some fun imagining what it’d be like to have you around when you’re older. Indeed, maybe that’s why this did happen. It helped me see I can count on the Lord to help me no matter what, and it also helped me see what you’d have likely been like. Oh, sure, you have the personality you wereborn with to some extent, but hanging around us you’d grow to see the great unconditional love we have for each other. And, you’d probably try to take after her. Yes, some people are more serious, but we’d help you come out of your shell if you had one, and have great fun with the sillys tuff we like to do.
It makes me wonder what you will be like when we finally meet. Yeah, Iknow – “It’s a surprise.” You’re going to have so many special surprises for me, I’m sure.
In the meantime, I know I’ll be all right because the Lord will see me through. And, I have a big enough church lots of others will help me. I’ll probably just admit right away what I might need if it does happen before Jesus returns, in fact. I’ve become very good at opening up, if a bit clumsy at it yet. You’d be proud of me.
But, then again, I know you love me no matter what. Just like I’d always love you, and always will. It’s nice to think about you looking down at me and smiling that cute smile I envision, giggling as I do silly stuff, and so on. Shaking your head as I forget to trust in Jesus for stuff, too, I’m sure, but I eventually get there. Sometimes I even imagine your precious voice saying, “Talk to Jesus about it.” I know it’s only imagination, but it really helps me knowing that it’s not just the Lord. Oh, He’s the one I live for first and foremost, as I have trusted Him as my personal Saviour by faith, calling on Him to forgive and save me through what He did on the cross when He died for my sins and rose again. But, imagining you beside Him and making comments is sometimes helpful, too.
I don’t know when I’ll feel the need to write again, I know it’s been a bit lately again, but whether or not I do, I know you’re having loads of fun.
So, till we meet and you can share all those surprises with me,
Love,
Daddy.
It was just one of those moments, Mom convinced me to get a smartphone and go on her plan and it wouldn’t cost me any extra, unlike other e-mails g-mail adds everything in and it blew me away going from maybe 15 contacts to over 80! It confused me till someone helped me get that account off that device over the phone.
In a way, though, you could argue that it was a sign of how it’d be with you as a teen helping me; I’d get a cell phone for you and decide to upgrade myself and do the same ehing, get just as confused, and you’d help me the way Mom did; at least as far as getting someone on the phone who could figure it out. (The way kids can figure that stuff out you’d have done it by yourself, I’m sure. Yeah, I’ll brag on you a bit, why not.)
It’s so confusing and frustrating that tech stuff can’t just stay the same. I still plan to only use this as a phone except for possibly 2-3 other tiems over each month I might do messaging, but Mom’s always had that childlike enthusiasm for learning and new stuff. Combined with a love language that emphasizes giving – I wonder which of the 5 Love Languages you have – it can lead to times like that.
She’s a great mother, though, and would have made a wonderful grandma for you. She’s getting older but still going well, and I’m not really worried about how I’ll get along once my parents die. The way this world is going the Rapture may well happen before that, anyway. I’ve got lots of great friends,a nd just won’t put myself in some of those types of situations anyway. Oh, I won’t stagnate, I’ll keep learning, and walking around the neighborhood, but I may keep the cell phone I have then or even go to featureless. I just have never had the money for a lot of extras.
But, the point is that I got to have some fun imagining what it’d be like to have you around when you’re older. Indeed, maybe that’s why this did happen. It helped me see I can count on the Lord to help me no matter what, and it also helped me see what you’d have likely been like. Oh, sure, you have the personality you wereborn with to some extent, but hanging around us you’d grow to see the great unconditional love we have for each other. And, you’d probably try to take after her. Yes, some people are more serious, but we’d help you come out of your shell if you had one, and have great fun with the sillys tuff we like to do.
It makes me wonder what you will be like when we finally meet. Yeah, Iknow – “It’s a surprise.” You’re going to have so many special surprises for me, I’m sure.
In the meantime, I know I’ll be all right because the Lord will see me through. And, I have a big enough church lots of others will help me. I’ll probably just admit right away what I might need if it does happen before Jesus returns, in fact. I’ve become very good at opening up, if a bit clumsy at it yet. You’d be proud of me.
But, then again, I know you love me no matter what. Just like I’d always love you, and always will. It’s nice to think about you looking down at me and smiling that cute smile I envision, giggling as I do silly stuff, and so on. Shaking your head as I forget to trust in Jesus for stuff, too, I’m sure, but I eventually get there. Sometimes I even imagine your precious voice saying, “Talk to Jesus about it.” I know it’s only imagination, but it really helps me knowing that it’s not just the Lord. Oh, He’s the one I live for first and foremost, as I have trusted Him as my personal Saviour by faith, calling on Him to forgive and save me through what He did on the cross when He died for my sins and rose again. But, imagining you beside Him and making comments is sometimes helpful, too.
I don’t know when I’ll feel the need to write again, I know it’s been a bit lately again, but whether or not I do, I know you’re having loads of fun.
So, till we meet and you can share all those surprises with me,
Love,
Daddy.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
At least you're away from the mean people
Hi, Sweetheart.
Your daddy has a… saying, I guess you’d say (I should have put a “Say,” in front there, it’d match my sense of humor to start putting them everywhere then if I put a couple nearly together like that.)
Anyway, one reason I don’t watch news anymore is the images and such are so gross and scary at times. With a lot of TV, in fact. I always like to just say “too many mean people.” I am avoiding certain things but also this world does seem to be getting worse at times, as 2 Timothy 3, 1 Timothy 4, and other Bible verses show it would before the end. I don’t know how much longer we have till the dead in Christ rise first and we who remain are caught up together in the air, so we can be forever more with the Lord and we can finally meet in person. But, while we’re here, it’s so nice to see nice people around. There’s actually companies that call a bunch of numbers at once and you can’t disconnect – so if you have to call 911 you can’t. There is so much hatred out there, so much evil. It’s times like that that remind me that, while it’s sad you weren’t born so I could adopt you, it’s great to know you’re in Heaven away from all that evil.
And yet, there is so much good, too. I’m in such a loving neighborhood, a nice place to walk with still a few families there. We’d have had a church close by and you’d have had great friends there.
There’s a saying that it only takes one. That can be something bad – it only takes one person to wreck things – or something good – it only takes one to by an encouragement to others at times.
I know you’d have learned easily through my example to always care for others and put others first. It would have been so much fun. We’d have laughed and played and cried together, and treid our best to stay away from the evil of this world.
But, truthfully, I couldn't stand to hear bad stuff after bad stuff on the news, that’s why I stopped watching before 2000. Too many people only caring about money, too many who don’t think about others.
Still, you’d have made a difference, I can see your sweet smile and hearty laugh now – okay, I can hear the latter, not see it. You’d be an encouragement to me as much as I would be helping you.
I still love to go out in the neighborhood and get together with other people, because there are so many nice ones. And, I’m sure you’d learn to focus on the nice ones, too, and stay away from the mean ones. You’d likely just shy away from certain things with a saying similar to mine.
But, hopefully, you’d also help others who are hurting, too, like I try – clumsily, more so than most neurotypicals, because I don’t know what’s going on between the lines so I need someone to explain ina nice way that a person was abused and that’s why they act a certain way for instance and they need to be encouraged that they can be nice and maybe even taught how. I used to feel like I’d failed a friend from high school who was that way because I couldn’t read between the lines when our coach asked me to not only mentor him on the speech team but include him in stuff with my friends. I felt like I’d failed him when I couldn’t detect that something was a flashback in high school. But, I know now that I did okay – that the Lord used me anyway. And, I know He could use you, too, to make a positive impact.
You’d probably be teaching me how to to do it, too, I imagine, eventually. Once you learned allt he strategies that one develops over the years.
However, you are celebrating in heaven now instead, and while it’s sad for me you can’t be here, I know you’re happy there. So, I remain here, waiting for this neighborhood picnic a few hours from now and wishing I could take you with me and knowing you’d have such fun with the other kids, but knowing you’re with me in spirit and the Lord is with me always guiding and helping me. Because, somehow, He protects me from evil. He knows what my brain was built like and how difficult some things are for me with my handicaps, and only gives me what I can handle with His help. I think a lot of the problems I’ve seen are Him showing me that there are certain things I need to stay away from, because not everyone is as friendly, warm, considerate, etc., as our family.
But, yet, I always venture out knowing He will be there for me.You know Jesus up there as the Creator and Saviour who made everything and… well, I suppose I can’t really say because it’s far more amazing than I can verbalize and you’d say if I asked, “shhhh, it’s a surprise” anyway. But, I have grown to know Jesus as the solid Rock on which I can rely and put my whole trust in because I know Him as my personal SAviour. And, we’re each only a single, sincere prayer of repentence away from eternal life.
You got there just like I will – through the blood of Jesus Christ. And, while I can’t really understand or imagine the wonders you experience, we have that in common. It’s not of works we’re saved, it’s only by grace. Because He doesn’t want us to boast about how we got there.
And, that includes some of those mean people. My friend has been changed by the blood of Jesus. He is saved and a wonderful family man now and he’ll be in Heaven. That’s the great thing. God changes people on the inside when they trust Christ to save them by faith and call on Him for forgiveness. That’s why you don’t’ have those meanies around. They’ve all been changed by the blood in order to be up there.
God’s love is so awesome. Yes, we can certainly share that now, even as I simply write this blog to you. And, while I can’t sing “Jesus Loves You” to you – okay, I can’t sing, period, but that’s neither here nor there – I know you know of that love. And, that’s what I’d want most for you anyway, to know Jesus. Because, while I couldn’t have protected you from everything, or understood every problem, He can.
Till we meet,
Love,
Daddy.
Your daddy has a… saying, I guess you’d say (I should have put a “Say,” in front there, it’d match my sense of humor to start putting them everywhere then if I put a couple nearly together like that.)
Anyway, one reason I don’t watch news anymore is the images and such are so gross and scary at times. With a lot of TV, in fact. I always like to just say “too many mean people.” I am avoiding certain things but also this world does seem to be getting worse at times, as 2 Timothy 3, 1 Timothy 4, and other Bible verses show it would before the end. I don’t know how much longer we have till the dead in Christ rise first and we who remain are caught up together in the air, so we can be forever more with the Lord and we can finally meet in person. But, while we’re here, it’s so nice to see nice people around. There’s actually companies that call a bunch of numbers at once and you can’t disconnect – so if you have to call 911 you can’t. There is so much hatred out there, so much evil. It’s times like that that remind me that, while it’s sad you weren’t born so I could adopt you, it’s great to know you’re in Heaven away from all that evil.
And yet, there is so much good, too. I’m in such a loving neighborhood, a nice place to walk with still a few families there. We’d have had a church close by and you’d have had great friends there.
There’s a saying that it only takes one. That can be something bad – it only takes one person to wreck things – or something good – it only takes one to by an encouragement to others at times.
I know you’d have learned easily through my example to always care for others and put others first. It would have been so much fun. We’d have laughed and played and cried together, and treid our best to stay away from the evil of this world.
But, truthfully, I couldn't stand to hear bad stuff after bad stuff on the news, that’s why I stopped watching before 2000. Too many people only caring about money, too many who don’t think about others.
Still, you’d have made a difference, I can see your sweet smile and hearty laugh now – okay, I can hear the latter, not see it. You’d be an encouragement to me as much as I would be helping you.
I still love to go out in the neighborhood and get together with other people, because there are so many nice ones. And, I’m sure you’d learn to focus on the nice ones, too, and stay away from the mean ones. You’d likely just shy away from certain things with a saying similar to mine.
But, hopefully, you’d also help others who are hurting, too, like I try – clumsily, more so than most neurotypicals, because I don’t know what’s going on between the lines so I need someone to explain ina nice way that a person was abused and that’s why they act a certain way for instance and they need to be encouraged that they can be nice and maybe even taught how. I used to feel like I’d failed a friend from high school who was that way because I couldn’t read between the lines when our coach asked me to not only mentor him on the speech team but include him in stuff with my friends. I felt like I’d failed him when I couldn’t detect that something was a flashback in high school. But, I know now that I did okay – that the Lord used me anyway. And, I know He could use you, too, to make a positive impact.
You’d probably be teaching me how to to do it, too, I imagine, eventually. Once you learned allt he strategies that one develops over the years.
However, you are celebrating in heaven now instead, and while it’s sad for me you can’t be here, I know you’re happy there. So, I remain here, waiting for this neighborhood picnic a few hours from now and wishing I could take you with me and knowing you’d have such fun with the other kids, but knowing you’re with me in spirit and the Lord is with me always guiding and helping me. Because, somehow, He protects me from evil. He knows what my brain was built like and how difficult some things are for me with my handicaps, and only gives me what I can handle with His help. I think a lot of the problems I’ve seen are Him showing me that there are certain things I need to stay away from, because not everyone is as friendly, warm, considerate, etc., as our family.
But, yet, I always venture out knowing He will be there for me.You know Jesus up there as the Creator and Saviour who made everything and… well, I suppose I can’t really say because it’s far more amazing than I can verbalize and you’d say if I asked, “shhhh, it’s a surprise” anyway. But, I have grown to know Jesus as the solid Rock on which I can rely and put my whole trust in because I know Him as my personal SAviour. And, we’re each only a single, sincere prayer of repentence away from eternal life.
You got there just like I will – through the blood of Jesus Christ. And, while I can’t really understand or imagine the wonders you experience, we have that in common. It’s not of works we’re saved, it’s only by grace. Because He doesn’t want us to boast about how we got there.
And, that includes some of those mean people. My friend has been changed by the blood of Jesus. He is saved and a wonderful family man now and he’ll be in Heaven. That’s the great thing. God changes people on the inside when they trust Christ to save them by faith and call on Him for forgiveness. That’s why you don’t’ have those meanies around. They’ve all been changed by the blood in order to be up there.
God’s love is so awesome. Yes, we can certainly share that now, even as I simply write this blog to you. And, while I can’t sing “Jesus Loves You” to you – okay, I can’t sing, period, but that’s neither here nor there – I know you know of that love. And, that’s what I’d want most for you anyway, to know Jesus. Because, while I couldn’t have protected you from everything, or understood every problem, He can.
Till we meet,
Love,
Daddy.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
The difficulty of trusting at times, getting through to others
Hi, Sweetheart,
Yes, it's your silly Daddy again writing to you. It's a pretty day out there, and I know you're enjoying it up there in Heaven, but down here I had some comments before that got eaten because Internet Explorer was getting balky, so now a few days later I had more time and thought I'd write since I just got done with something else.
As I've said - and as you know much better, I imagine, since in Heaven you don't see through a glass darkly - I have trouble with non-verbal cues and with knowing what people's intentions are at times; I'm rather literal compared to most people. It's something I thought was just my poor vision for years - plus poor hearing - but from what I've read I think it is a bit more than that.
Now, I've developed the ability to admit this pretty well and to explain it, so it's not as difficult as it was, but there's still the sense of wondering if I'm supposed to pick up on something I don't. When I try to figure out what those hidden thigns are is when it's really tricky, so wha I do is, since conversation goes so fast anyway, I just always take the literal meaning, since often enough that is what people mean anyway. Sure, I do know what euphemisms are and I have learned to pick up on quite a few of them, but I dont' always and if I tried to explain when i do and when i don't it would take far too long.
So, why am I telling you this?
First, to assure you that I, happily, don't feel the need for a child to raise in Godly love and nurturing so they can help me when older. It would still help, my parents won't be around forever. But, I have developed that ability on my own, thanks to the Lord's help. One important things we as parents do is share Christ's love so that you can love int he same way and help us when we get older - I remember answering questions every day for a few months when my parents got their computer a few years ago, for instance. I know you don't worry in Heaven, but one of those silly ways I look at things is assuring you that you don't have to worry, anyway.
In short, I know the Lord will take care of me, even if I never do adopt. The way this world's going, we might be raptured someday soon anyway.
The second is that this world has a lot of meanies in it. Some companies, for instance, will try to sell you stuff you don't need, and it's hard to know when they're telling the truth and when not. It's a very fine balance between believing people will be good and not being careful and getting so cynical you don't trust anyone. I have always tried to take the former becuase that is how I'd want to be treated, but there are built-in things neurotypicals have that show them when there is danger that I don't always. Hence, someone like you - I'm presuming you'd have been neurotypical, though I'd have loved you no matter what - could still keep a very positive attitude and yet not be taken in by little things that confuse people like me a little. For instance, confusion about which lines a phone company will cover and how common it is for lines inside the home to need repaired; something perhaps added to by how bad this house was when I bought it before fixing it up.
Sweetheart, I'll be honest, I'd have much preferred a world remaining like the '70s - it's so immoral here, and peoples' word isn't good like it used to be. And, it's really sad how things have gone.
However, the Lord is still at work - 2 Timothy 3, 1 Timothy 4, and others show we're int he end times as this stuff gets even worse. But, we can still have revival. Sometimes it just seems so hard to focus on prayer when there is so much going on it's overwhelming.
Which is another problem. There is so much pressure on people to keep reading e-mails and texts allt he time, when in fact that is adding to the problems. If people would just slow down there wouldn't be texting while driving accidents and we could be more leisurely and focus on the Lord. I told someone the other day I wouldn't want a device where I ca check e-mail whenever I want. I want a slower pace, a calmer life.
Yeah, I know, a simple life wouldn't have gone with having you and all the fun we'd have had. But, with you it would have been a joy, seeing you grow and learn and have so much fun with life. If I'd had to hoemschool you to protect you from all the problems I would have, our church has a great co-op of parents who do so. It would have been such a blessing. Indeed, when i was a teen I told some friends my theme song would be, "You Gotta Stop and Smell the Roses." I was more mature than a lot of people the, though I had friends who didn't want all the crazy stuff some teens were doing, too.
But, as I remarked about imagination, I've had the thrill of imagination to help,a nd a lot of joys even without you. It shows how I miss you a bit sometimes yet, but I know you're in the best place there can be. When we taped the radio show I didn't come out and say I know the Lord had a child for me waiting in heaven becasue it would have been going off on a tangent, but I did say He might. And, I'd have always forgiven you, just like He always forgives us.
It would have been wonderful. But, I've had a great life as it is, and who knows, the Lord could open the door for me to do that in the future anyway.
For now, though, your daddy is so excited about the things he can do. I know God will see us through down here on earth while you celebrate in Heaven. And until we meet someday on that happy, golden shore, the Lord will guide me through. My hope is built on Him, and Him alone, because I know even if we can't always trust people anymore, we can always trust Him.
Love, Daddy
Yes, it's your silly Daddy again writing to you. It's a pretty day out there, and I know you're enjoying it up there in Heaven, but down here I had some comments before that got eaten because Internet Explorer was getting balky, so now a few days later I had more time and thought I'd write since I just got done with something else.
As I've said - and as you know much better, I imagine, since in Heaven you don't see through a glass darkly - I have trouble with non-verbal cues and with knowing what people's intentions are at times; I'm rather literal compared to most people. It's something I thought was just my poor vision for years - plus poor hearing - but from what I've read I think it is a bit more than that.
Now, I've developed the ability to admit this pretty well and to explain it, so it's not as difficult as it was, but there's still the sense of wondering if I'm supposed to pick up on something I don't. When I try to figure out what those hidden thigns are is when it's really tricky, so wha I do is, since conversation goes so fast anyway, I just always take the literal meaning, since often enough that is what people mean anyway. Sure, I do know what euphemisms are and I have learned to pick up on quite a few of them, but I dont' always and if I tried to explain when i do and when i don't it would take far too long.
So, why am I telling you this?
First, to assure you that I, happily, don't feel the need for a child to raise in Godly love and nurturing so they can help me when older. It would still help, my parents won't be around forever. But, I have developed that ability on my own, thanks to the Lord's help. One important things we as parents do is share Christ's love so that you can love int he same way and help us when we get older - I remember answering questions every day for a few months when my parents got their computer a few years ago, for instance. I know you don't worry in Heaven, but one of those silly ways I look at things is assuring you that you don't have to worry, anyway.
In short, I know the Lord will take care of me, even if I never do adopt. The way this world's going, we might be raptured someday soon anyway.
The second is that this world has a lot of meanies in it. Some companies, for instance, will try to sell you stuff you don't need, and it's hard to know when they're telling the truth and when not. It's a very fine balance between believing people will be good and not being careful and getting so cynical you don't trust anyone. I have always tried to take the former becuase that is how I'd want to be treated, but there are built-in things neurotypicals have that show them when there is danger that I don't always. Hence, someone like you - I'm presuming you'd have been neurotypical, though I'd have loved you no matter what - could still keep a very positive attitude and yet not be taken in by little things that confuse people like me a little. For instance, confusion about which lines a phone company will cover and how common it is for lines inside the home to need repaired; something perhaps added to by how bad this house was when I bought it before fixing it up.
Sweetheart, I'll be honest, I'd have much preferred a world remaining like the '70s - it's so immoral here, and peoples' word isn't good like it used to be. And, it's really sad how things have gone.
However, the Lord is still at work - 2 Timothy 3, 1 Timothy 4, and others show we're int he end times as this stuff gets even worse. But, we can still have revival. Sometimes it just seems so hard to focus on prayer when there is so much going on it's overwhelming.
Which is another problem. There is so much pressure on people to keep reading e-mails and texts allt he time, when in fact that is adding to the problems. If people would just slow down there wouldn't be texting while driving accidents and we could be more leisurely and focus on the Lord. I told someone the other day I wouldn't want a device where I ca check e-mail whenever I want. I want a slower pace, a calmer life.
Yeah, I know, a simple life wouldn't have gone with having you and all the fun we'd have had. But, with you it would have been a joy, seeing you grow and learn and have so much fun with life. If I'd had to hoemschool you to protect you from all the problems I would have, our church has a great co-op of parents who do so. It would have been such a blessing. Indeed, when i was a teen I told some friends my theme song would be, "You Gotta Stop and Smell the Roses." I was more mature than a lot of people the, though I had friends who didn't want all the crazy stuff some teens were doing, too.
But, as I remarked about imagination, I've had the thrill of imagination to help,a nd a lot of joys even without you. It shows how I miss you a bit sometimes yet, but I know you're in the best place there can be. When we taped the radio show I didn't come out and say I know the Lord had a child for me waiting in heaven becasue it would have been going off on a tangent, but I did say He might. And, I'd have always forgiven you, just like He always forgives us.
It would have been wonderful. But, I've had a great life as it is, and who knows, the Lord could open the door for me to do that in the future anyway.
For now, though, your daddy is so excited about the things he can do. I know God will see us through down here on earth while you celebrate in Heaven. And until we meet someday on that happy, golden shore, the Lord will guide me through. My hope is built on Him, and Him alone, because I know even if we can't always trust people anymore, we can always trust Him.
Love, Daddy
Thursday, July 31, 2014
random thoughts as I imagien how we'd interact - and how we will someday
I opened a razor that was maybe 10 years old today. Your silly Daddy could just imagine you asking all sorts of questions - why did I wait so long, etc..
My mom and ad retired within a couple years of each other soona fter, and so had bought a number of thigns for me to have in reserve - I already had an electric razor in reserve because I had forgotten one on vacation in 1991. The one from the late '80s went kaput - the engine finally wore out in it - and so theone from '91, which had been used sparingly since - is now the main one.
It would have helped a lot, as I may have said, to adopt while my parents were still healthy (Mom still is, Dad's okay but has Parkinson's) and able to get around a lot better, due to my handicaps. I coudl still adopt now, of course, but I guess part of why I was so anxious and begged the Lord for a little one finally is because I knew it wouldn't be quite as easy, at least not to have a newborn.
So, the Lord urged me to go forward and believe in faith He could give me a child and the money to adopt that child, and then just when thigns seemed ready suddenly the money wasn't there coming in like I expected, and while He blessed me with you, He also showed me how I needed to trust Him with you. And so, your daddy's here on earth anxiously awaiting that time we can meet face to face.
It would have been so much fun to tell you how excited I was so often about having you, and how much I love you, and sharing your story with you so you would know how much i cared. I guess in a way I still can. I mean, I'm doing this, I imagine little bits and pieces of of things like you peppering me with questions for many minutes. It's not the same as raising you here on Earth, but I do feel, in some smallway, that I do know you.
And I promise I'm not going to say "I hope you don't mind not knowing me yet" becasue I know you're going to say, "Silly dady, I in Heaven!Remember?" And, I laugh at that giggle you probably have at my silliness, and it makes me feel good, becasue I know that you are well cared for, that you're enjoying it so much up there, where nobody has seen or heard or even imagined the wonders that await us.
Meanwile, I'm down here, but not down. Because I trusted the Lord Jesus Christ, God in flesh, to take the punishment for my sins. I believed by faith that what He did on the cross - when He died and rose fromt he dead - took all the punishment for my sins, and I called on Him by faith to save me from my sins. I know I'm going to Heaven now, only because of what Jesus did, I know I can't make it on my own merit.
But you, you have that chance to get there becasue jesus saves to the uttermost, and you died before you could understand that need to be saved, even before you were born. And so, I know we shall meet, and you can tell me about all the joyful thigns you've seen and experienced when I get up there.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to adopt on this earth; I'm in my mid-40s and money just never worked out yet. But, I know no matter what, I have a little one who makes me smile just in my imagining, and is a very special person to me. I may not be able to physically tell you that, but I'm sure you know. And, that's what important.
Love,
Daddy
My mom and ad retired within a couple years of each other soona fter, and so had bought a number of thigns for me to have in reserve - I already had an electric razor in reserve because I had forgotten one on vacation in 1991. The one from the late '80s went kaput - the engine finally wore out in it - and so theone from '91, which had been used sparingly since - is now the main one.
It would have helped a lot, as I may have said, to adopt while my parents were still healthy (Mom still is, Dad's okay but has Parkinson's) and able to get around a lot better, due to my handicaps. I coudl still adopt now, of course, but I guess part of why I was so anxious and begged the Lord for a little one finally is because I knew it wouldn't be quite as easy, at least not to have a newborn.
So, the Lord urged me to go forward and believe in faith He could give me a child and the money to adopt that child, and then just when thigns seemed ready suddenly the money wasn't there coming in like I expected, and while He blessed me with you, He also showed me how I needed to trust Him with you. And so, your daddy's here on earth anxiously awaiting that time we can meet face to face.
It would have been so much fun to tell you how excited I was so often about having you, and how much I love you, and sharing your story with you so you would know how much i cared. I guess in a way I still can. I mean, I'm doing this, I imagine little bits and pieces of of things like you peppering me with questions for many minutes. It's not the same as raising you here on Earth, but I do feel, in some smallway, that I do know you.
And I promise I'm not going to say "I hope you don't mind not knowing me yet" becasue I know you're going to say, "Silly dady, I in Heaven!Remember?" And, I laugh at that giggle you probably have at my silliness, and it makes me feel good, becasue I know that you are well cared for, that you're enjoying it so much up there, where nobody has seen or heard or even imagined the wonders that await us.
Meanwile, I'm down here, but not down. Because I trusted the Lord Jesus Christ, God in flesh, to take the punishment for my sins. I believed by faith that what He did on the cross - when He died and rose fromt he dead - took all the punishment for my sins, and I called on Him by faith to save me from my sins. I know I'm going to Heaven now, only because of what Jesus did, I know I can't make it on my own merit.
But you, you have that chance to get there becasue jesus saves to the uttermost, and you died before you could understand that need to be saved, even before you were born. And so, I know we shall meet, and you can tell me about all the joyful thigns you've seen and experienced when I get up there.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to adopt on this earth; I'm in my mid-40s and money just never worked out yet. But, I know no matter what, I have a little one who makes me smile just in my imagining, and is a very special person to me. I may not be able to physically tell you that, but I'm sure you know. And, that's what important.
Love,
Daddy
Saturday, July 26, 2014
On love, "I love you," nonverbal language
Sweetheart,
I can imagine your “I love you”s so easily. I know you do. Just like I know Jesus loves me.
Sometimes it’s so important to hear that. I heard it every day when I was little, often several tiems a day. I’d have done the same for you, because I know it’s important to hear that.
There’s a great book called “Five Love Languages,” I forget who wrote it, but the way I show love most is by helping others. Sometiems that means that, combined with my not getting hidden meanings and tones and such, I can be tricked into paying a bit more for something because I don’t get how unusual is is, for instance, to need help with the lines inside my house when it comes to the phone. There’s too many people who only want your money and who don’t want to tell you there’s a very slim chance of you needing such help. Or even helping you understand the outside lines aren’t the same thing.
That makes me feel unloved at tiems till I remember how much I am loved, especially by Jesus. I wonder what your “love language” would have been. It’s sometimes different in how we feel love than in how we express it.I think mine’s the same but part of why I feel loved by others helping me is because of my handicaps. So, it might be a bit different.
I’d have taught you to show love, respect,a nd appreciation. A while ago the Lord reminded me of some times I’ve heard it from kids in our church, either a thanks or something they made my co-teacher and I for Christmas or pictures they drew. Even without those little things, I always feel “these people love me” at my church, and I’m so happy about that.
So, the Lord’s helped me realize I’m loved, but while I know you are in Heaven where you can love on Jesus and he provides so much love back, I’m writing this just to say “I love you” to you. I know you know it. But, the best way to feel loved sometimes is to love others; as we do, so shall it be done unto us.
And, I’m sure you know. I just over-empathize at times, once I know something’s a concern, I feel overly much for them. I guess I overcompensate for the fact I don’t read things as well, but pick up the basics very well.I know a nod means “yes” but just don’t always pick up when it’s being used for something else – like one time I expressed shock when a friend posted that someone had “nodded hello.” I didn’t know that was possible.
But, as I say, I’d pick up the basics and have gotten to know you well. I’m sure you’d have learned to verbalize well your concerns, and I’d have helped.
Thankfully, you are in Heaven when you don’t have to worry about confusion over that, because not all signs to seem to meant he same thing to everyone. That makes it even more confusing. One day, I will celebrate with you – for as David said of his deceased son, you won’t come to me but I’ll go to you.
Till that wonderful meeting in Heaven, I love you, Sweetheart.
Love, Daddy
I can imagine your “I love you”s so easily. I know you do. Just like I know Jesus loves me.
Sometimes it’s so important to hear that. I heard it every day when I was little, often several tiems a day. I’d have done the same for you, because I know it’s important to hear that.
There’s a great book called “Five Love Languages,” I forget who wrote it, but the way I show love most is by helping others. Sometiems that means that, combined with my not getting hidden meanings and tones and such, I can be tricked into paying a bit more for something because I don’t get how unusual is is, for instance, to need help with the lines inside my house when it comes to the phone. There’s too many people who only want your money and who don’t want to tell you there’s a very slim chance of you needing such help. Or even helping you understand the outside lines aren’t the same thing.
That makes me feel unloved at tiems till I remember how much I am loved, especially by Jesus. I wonder what your “love language” would have been. It’s sometimes different in how we feel love than in how we express it.I think mine’s the same but part of why I feel loved by others helping me is because of my handicaps. So, it might be a bit different.
I’d have taught you to show love, respect,a nd appreciation. A while ago the Lord reminded me of some times I’ve heard it from kids in our church, either a thanks or something they made my co-teacher and I for Christmas or pictures they drew. Even without those little things, I always feel “these people love me” at my church, and I’m so happy about that.
So, the Lord’s helped me realize I’m loved, but while I know you are in Heaven where you can love on Jesus and he provides so much love back, I’m writing this just to say “I love you” to you. I know you know it. But, the best way to feel loved sometimes is to love others; as we do, so shall it be done unto us.
And, I’m sure you know. I just over-empathize at times, once I know something’s a concern, I feel overly much for them. I guess I overcompensate for the fact I don’t read things as well, but pick up the basics very well.I know a nod means “yes” but just don’t always pick up when it’s being used for something else – like one time I expressed shock when a friend posted that someone had “nodded hello.” I didn’t know that was possible.
But, as I say, I’d pick up the basics and have gotten to know you well. I’m sure you’d have learned to verbalize well your concerns, and I’d have helped.
Thankfully, you are in Heaven when you don’t have to worry about confusion over that, because not all signs to seem to meant he same thing to everyone. That makes it even more confusing. One day, I will celebrate with you – for as David said of his deceased son, you won’t come to me but I’ll go to you.
Till that wonderful meeting in Heaven, I love you, Sweetheart.
Love, Daddy
Friday, July 25, 2014
On imagination, and being glad you're where you are
You can imagine a cardboard box is anything – a spaceship, a tent, a boat, imagination is so amazing. We lose that as adults. I wonder what it’s like in Heaven. Yeah, I know what you’d say – “Shhh, can’t tell you, it’s a surprise.”
But, maybe it’s a bit of my slight Dandy-Walker Syndrome, which caused my eye problems, maybe it’s my slight cerebral palsy, maybe even a bit of Asperger’s though that’s more likely just PDD-NOS is anything, but that ability to imagine never left me totally.
It’s served me well, with all my writing, fan fiction and otherwise. I don’t know if God gave you a creative mind like mine, but I know when we get to Heaven, we’ll have perfect bodies – what about our minds. Yeah, I know, I don’t mind waiting for the surprise, but it’s one of those things I wonder about. And, I thought it was good to continue my post from last night to make sure it was understood I always knew I was imagining with the “Full Hosue” stuff and all the other daydreaming. And, that’s really what led me to finally pray and say, “Lord, this imagining doesn’t work anymore, it doesn’t satisfy, I need You to bless me.”
It was then I prayed so earnestly for a child, and I dedicated you to Him, because H knew what would happen, and that you would simply be waiting for me in Heaven.
I haven’t given up the thought I could adopt someday, but frankly it looks like the Lord could return in the next few years if not sooner the way things are going. And, I don’t have the intense need in my heart I did when I was praying so hard, because the Lord has given me peace. It’s as if He wanted me to realize this blessing He had for me. Because I don’t feel the need to pretend like I did years ago. It’s still fun to write, but all the fan fiction and stuff just isn’t important to me anymore. I feel a sense of peace.
When children are little, one reason they imagine is just to play and have fun, but another reason is to establish how things work in their minds, it’s as if they know they need to practice because adults are so good at it. (Well, we’re not as perfect as children think – certainly not as perfect as I saw adults when I was little – but that’s neither here nor there.) One you get to be a certain age, that playing gets to be less and less. Sure, pro athletes play for a living. I longed to be able to play baseball in the majors when I was little – and who knows maybe I’ll play some baseball in Heaven. But, ordinarily, that fun of play and pretend dissipates and we have to find fun in other ways – and there is plenty of joy to be had in life when we look for it and keep a positive attitude. I try to do so all the time, in fact.
You missed out on that, but in a way, you’re lucky. You don’t have to worry about how we don’t really let kids be kids like when I was growing up. There’s too much more stress, too little innocence, anymore, though I would have done my best to make it as easy as possible. Indeed, the more I think, I would have home schooled you – our church has quite a few in a co-op who do things together and have neat field trips and stuff like that. You’d have gotten plenty of socialization that way. But, kids don’t even play out in their yards as much anymore. And, I’d have felt so sad that it wasn’t the wonderful life of the 1970s and ‘80s that this was finally the thing that the Lord used to help me see that it’s okay if you weren’t born so I never had the chance to adopt you. It’s not what I wanted, I’d have preferred to adopt you. I don’t know what you think.
Yeah, I know. “Silly Daddy, I’m in Heaven, what do you think?” It is much better there.
But, still, there’s things you didn’t get to experience that I’d have had fun going through with you. Some of that is that imagination and play and so on. But, what I’d want most is to see you happy. And, if that was the best way the Lord could make sure you would be happy and safe from any problems, then I accept it because I know Jesus knows what’s best.
Till that glorious everlasting Day in heaven, so long and thank for listening.
Love, Daddy.
But, maybe it’s a bit of my slight Dandy-Walker Syndrome, which caused my eye problems, maybe it’s my slight cerebral palsy, maybe even a bit of Asperger’s though that’s more likely just PDD-NOS is anything, but that ability to imagine never left me totally.
It’s served me well, with all my writing, fan fiction and otherwise. I don’t know if God gave you a creative mind like mine, but I know when we get to Heaven, we’ll have perfect bodies – what about our minds. Yeah, I know, I don’t mind waiting for the surprise, but it’s one of those things I wonder about. And, I thought it was good to continue my post from last night to make sure it was understood I always knew I was imagining with the “Full Hosue” stuff and all the other daydreaming. And, that’s really what led me to finally pray and say, “Lord, this imagining doesn’t work anymore, it doesn’t satisfy, I need You to bless me.”
It was then I prayed so earnestly for a child, and I dedicated you to Him, because H knew what would happen, and that you would simply be waiting for me in Heaven.
I haven’t given up the thought I could adopt someday, but frankly it looks like the Lord could return in the next few years if not sooner the way things are going. And, I don’t have the intense need in my heart I did when I was praying so hard, because the Lord has given me peace. It’s as if He wanted me to realize this blessing He had for me. Because I don’t feel the need to pretend like I did years ago. It’s still fun to write, but all the fan fiction and stuff just isn’t important to me anymore. I feel a sense of peace.
When children are little, one reason they imagine is just to play and have fun, but another reason is to establish how things work in their minds, it’s as if they know they need to practice because adults are so good at it. (Well, we’re not as perfect as children think – certainly not as perfect as I saw adults when I was little – but that’s neither here nor there.) One you get to be a certain age, that playing gets to be less and less. Sure, pro athletes play for a living. I longed to be able to play baseball in the majors when I was little – and who knows maybe I’ll play some baseball in Heaven. But, ordinarily, that fun of play and pretend dissipates and we have to find fun in other ways – and there is plenty of joy to be had in life when we look for it and keep a positive attitude. I try to do so all the time, in fact.
You missed out on that, but in a way, you’re lucky. You don’t have to worry about how we don’t really let kids be kids like when I was growing up. There’s too much more stress, too little innocence, anymore, though I would have done my best to make it as easy as possible. Indeed, the more I think, I would have home schooled you – our church has quite a few in a co-op who do things together and have neat field trips and stuff like that. You’d have gotten plenty of socialization that way. But, kids don’t even play out in their yards as much anymore. And, I’d have felt so sad that it wasn’t the wonderful life of the 1970s and ‘80s that this was finally the thing that the Lord used to help me see that it’s okay if you weren’t born so I never had the chance to adopt you. It’s not what I wanted, I’d have preferred to adopt you. I don’t know what you think.
Yeah, I know. “Silly Daddy, I’m in Heaven, what do you think?” It is much better there.
But, still, there’s things you didn’t get to experience that I’d have had fun going through with you. Some of that is that imagination and play and so on. But, what I’d want most is to see you happy. And, if that was the best way the Lord could make sure you would be happy and safe from any problems, then I accept it because I know Jesus knows what’s best.
Till that glorious everlasting Day in heaven, so long and thank for listening.
Love, Daddy.
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